Today's story: "Crime DOES Pay" or "Grandma Was A Kleptomaniac"

Who'd have thought a stolen ashtray would've rewarded me with a contest win? Not I... and certainly not my grandmother when she decided to "borrow" an ashtray she admired from the Woolco's cafeteria in 1979.

Have I lost you? Let me back track.

Patricia Storms, a talented illustrator (and a super nice and encouraging person as well) has illustrated a book called Good Granny/Bad Granny written by Mary McHugh. Patricia was running a little contest to find the best Good Granny/Bad Granny stories from readers of her blog called Booklust.

I submitted the tale about my grandmother's indiscretion and it was chosen as one of the winning entries. You can read my tale here. I'm eagerly awaiting my autographed copy in the mail.

Christmas is coming so if you have a Granny (good or bad) you may want to think about picking up the book and popping it under the tree for her. Um, but even though my tale of shoplifting turned out well, you should probably think about paying for your copy before you leave the store.

Maybe It's The Salmon Talking

Maybe the giant piece of salmon I had at dinner tonight inspired this.

Behold... my very first cartoon. Ah, when I look back at this one day I'll laugh... but not in a good way. For now though, I think it's just dandy. I may redo it in a traditional medium at some point to give the lines a little more soul. Sole?

Ouch... terrible pun.

Nineteen Eighty-Four

Have you ever wondered what it'd look like if I took a stab at designing the cover for George Orwell's "1984"?

It'd probably look something like the two images above. I don't think I quite got there with them though... They look a little too light-hearted to me. If I were to do it again, I'd choose a font with an "8" that was more squarish and elongated in shape. That might help in getting the menacing tone of big brother across.

Generally though, I do like the kernal of the idea for both of these and the placement of the elements on the covers.

What do you think?

Wait... I've just thought of a rational for the light-hearted tone. Big Brother is there to help you and protect you. He has your best interests at heart, so it is only natural that he should look friendly and approachable while he looks in on you through your view screen.

Yes... that's it! Good thinking on my part. Patting my back now for a job done double-plus-good.

Meow...

I'm just trying to get back into the habit of drawing more often. Two styles of kitties in two colour schemes. I'm not overly thrilled with the colour, but at least the styles are different. More to come.

I am alive and well

I hadn't really had much to post about lately, and didn't feel like complaining about anything, because even I was starting to get bored with myself. But... I've become a little more motivated recently and will try to post more frequently than semi-annually.

I know it's not Christmas yet.. hell, it's not even Hallowe'en, but I worked this up a little while ago and I kind of like it. Maybe you will too.

Do I hear Silver Bells?

Well hello there... my it's been a long time.

I haven't posted much because I haven't had much to say and haven't felt much like drawing anything either.

If I don't post anything by the end of the month I may just shut this mofo down.

Supergirl Costume Change

Project Rooftop held an open call for the redesign of Supergirl's costume, but by the time I found out, they had already chosen which entries they were going to feature on their website. Oh well... better late than never. So here's my late entry.

I kind of gave her a preppy uptown look. Nicely fitted sweater, shirt with cuffs, and of course a kilt. Who can resist a kilt. Not I.

Oh and I figured she'd probably want a small handbag to hold some must-haves. Gotta have somewhere to put a compact in case your makeup gets smudged when Bizarro drops a building on you.

So... here she is. Stylish and ready to kick some ass.

Oh, and if you like this image... you might like this or maybe this.

I did a bad thing

This evening while we were eating dinner, the phone rang. I hate when that happens. I hate it even more when it's a telemarketer.

The person on the other end asked if he was speaking to Mr. Ess. I said "Yes." and didn't bother trying to hide the edge in my voice. He immediately plunges in to some bullshit lie about my having won a ski weekend at an out of town resort. This isn't the first call I got like this, it won't be the last and I suspect the same goes for you. As I said earlier.. I hate telemarketers.

But I digress.

After he completed his overly enthusiastic announcement, I told him "No thanks".

He says "May I ask why?".

You know, having my dinner interrupted is bad enough, but I'm not going to explain myself to some jackass on the phone. I could have blown up at him... I could have just hung up... I could have been brutally honest and said I know it's all a scam, but I didn't.

Without missing a beat, I answered his question of why I would not like to claim my ski trip prize with a very deadpan "Because I have no legs."

I honestly thought he'd know I was bullshitting and would just hang up on me. Instead there was a short pause followed by an apology. He thanked me and said goodnight.

I felt bad about the fact that he actually bought it and that I lied about something like that.

But at the same time, it felt like a little bit of revenge for the woman who kept trying to sell me on some sort of education fund for my kid. She kept saying "Don't you care about your child's future. It's important to save now. Don't you care?"

I couldn't bring myself to tell her that my son had died a few days earlier. I didn't want her to feel bad. She didn't know. She couldn't have. I wanted to tell her but I couldn't.

Ski trip guy must have triggered something in me and that's why I did what I did.

Sorry ski trip guy.

How do you tell someone their fly is open.

This morning on the train as I was disembarking I spied a man with his barn door wide open. I wanted to say something but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Now this poor schlub is walking around the city with a giant vent in his pants.

Cold... so cold.

Well it feels like minus 25 out there tonight – actually it IS minus 25 out there with the wind chill. I thought I'd take this opportunity to post something appropriate. This is a half done (quarter done?) illustration I did of Mr. Freeze. I don't feel at all interested in finishing it, so what better way to dispose of it than to post it here.

The look on his face just about sums up my mood.

How could I have forgotten?

In regards to my last post, my wife reminded me that she says "Hi" to me all the time and not once has she forgotten my name. I would even go as far to say that if I didn't see my wife for 17 or 18 years, she would most likely remember my name no matter how fat, grey or wrinkly I got. Of course I'd have some serious 'splainin to do about my whereabouts for those 17 or 18 years.

But the reality is, I probably wouldn't last more than 17 or 18 hours without her.

Redemption

You may remember my earlier post about starting the new year off right, with one of my patented bouts of social awkwardness.

Well, today redemption was mine.

Once again I was making my way through the underground PATH system and thinking about doing a blog on my inner monologue of my travel that morning through said underground. I happened to turn my head to the left just in time to make eye contact with the same former high schooler I mentioned previously. This time the interaction went much smoother, although I think that was partly due to the fact that we were both being swept along in opposite directions by two opposing rivers of commuters.

She said "Hi" and called me by my name.

I said "Hi", and the rivers carried us away before I had a chance to muck things up further. Ahhh, the sweet satisfaction of a job well done.

I think I was most impressed that she remembered my name. Not because I am completely forgettable. It's just that on the very rare occasions when I do run in to someone that I peripherally knew in high school, I'm usually addressed by the name of either of my two life long pals. The person usually gets me right on the third try.

Hmm I should ask my pals if the same thing happens to them. Fellas, care to weigh in?

Anyway... today I'll bask in my small victory of not making an ass of myself again.

Tomorrow... well that's another day.

Ah've got blisters on me fingers!!!

Yep, me and John Lennon... blisters on our fingers, which is probably the only thing our guitar playing has in common.

My dear wife got me a gee-tar for Christmas. Had I asked for one? Nope! Do I love it? YES!!! Is it possible for someone with hot dogs for fingers to play the guitar with any kind of proficiency? I sure as hell hope so.

Actually I've been fiddling with it for about two weeks now and I feel like I get better and better all the time. Although I still have a long way to go to be considered a "terrible" guitar player, but I'll work up to it. Once I get there I'll shoot for "poor", then "barely adequate" and so on.

Learning an instrument as an adult is a bit of a cruel twist of fate. Generally by adulthood you have more patience, you're willing to practice without being nagged and can be satisfied with small steps in progress. The down side is that adults don't have the same ease of training the memory of their muscles, which comes in handy when both hands are doing two different things.

Practice makes perfect I guess, but I'll settle for "barely adequate".

Oh... and if you don't get the "blisters" remark I opened with, have a listen to Helter Skelter off the White Album.

I'm off to pluck and strum and fret.

Starting the new year off right...

... with a healthy dose of social awkwardness!

Before I get to that, I just have to explain that I haven't posted anything for 2 months because, well... I had nothing to say. But y'know, material just has a way of finding you.

Take this morning for instance.

On my way to work through the underground shopping labyrinth, I was remembering a conversation with my good buddy Chris (you may remember him from such posts as "jumbo can of mini ravioli"). He was chastising me for not posting anything on my blog in a while, so I was giving some thought to what I could put up here, when lo and behold I ran smack into my next post.

I had looked up from my mini brainstorm session and saw the face of someone familiar, someone I went to high school with. She caught my gaze, and I saw the flicker of recognition in her eyes (not sure if she remembered exactly who I was).

I smiled and said, "H-eyyyyyyyy!" and she said, "H-iiii?".

Her gloved left hand happened to be sticking out, and my left hand was free, so we did some oddball left-handed Bizarro world handshake. All of this was done while we kept walking in opposite directions from each other.

Then she stopped and I half turned and kept walking. I said "Gotta go" (actually I think it came out "guhg-o"). She looked at me puzzled and said "Oh you have to go?". I nodded and smiled, and kept going.

Awwwk-ward.

What the hell? I can be so socially inept at times. I'm surprised I ever got married.

In my defence though we we're both being swept along by rivers of opposing human traffic. And 20 years of catching up definitely demands a slightly more tranquil setting.

I think I'll wear a bag on my head in the underground tomorrow.